What Secret Lives of Mormon Wives Teaches Us About Toxic Relationships and Power - Episode 020
Spoiler Alert: This post contains light spoilers from The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
The Scandal That Started It All
It all began when the ringleader of a popular group of Mormon housewives known as #MomTok on TikTok—Taylor Frankie Paul—dropped a bombshell. The women were “a lot closer” than their millions of followers imagined, and by closer, she meant soft swinging. What followed was a viral media spiral that birthed the sensational reality show The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
At first glance, it’s glossy drama wrapped in Utah mom influencer aesthetics. But binge a few episodes, and you start to see the layers: patriarchy disguised as tradition, control framed as love, and women navigating the clash between personal power and cultural expectation. It’s more than voyeuristic gossip—it’s a mirror.
Control Disguised as Love
One of the most striking takeaways is how control often wears the mask of care. In one scene, cast member Jen is on a girl’s night out in Vegas where her and several of the other women were surprised with tickets to a Chippendale’s show. She leaves the performance early in shame to “confess” her attendance to her husband. Upon learning this he explodes in anger, threatens divorce, and then cools off — meanwhile, we learn he has a gambling habit, which is strictly prohibited by the Mormon church.
It’s a textbook example of conditional love: his approval depends on her compliance. This dynamic—warm gestures mixed with punishment—isn’t unique to Mormon marriages. Many people experience relationships where affection is a reward for obedience, and questioning it feels dangerous.
Why It Resonates Beyond Utah
You don’t have to be Mormon to feel the sting of these patterns. Across cultures, women are taught to be “good girls,” stay palatable, and not take up too much space.
The show reveals how these beliefs manifest—from strict church rules to influencer-perfect appearances—but the underlying script is familiar to many: look perfect, keep the peace, and don’t threaten the power balance. Whether it’s a religious patriarchy or workplace politics, the pressure is real.
The High Cost of Self-Silencing
Research shows that chronic self-silencing can lead to depression, anxiety, and even physical illness. One long-term study found women who didn’t speak up in conflicts were four times more likely to die within a decade than those who voiced their feelings.
Watching The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives forces us to confront this truth: the cost of “keeping sweet” isn’t just emotional—it can be life-threatening.
Rewriting the Script: Where We Go From Here
If the show teaches us anything, it’s that reclaiming your power doesn’t always require blowing up your life. You can start small:
Set clear boundaries—and stick to them without apology.
Allow yourself to want things—even if others disapprove.
Speak up, even when it’s uncomfortable. As therapist Dr. Julie Hanks puts it, embrace “the beauty of being disappointing.”
These steps may feel small, but they’re acts of rebellion against systems—religious or otherwise—that profit from your compliance.